Wild West Fiasco Transcript

## The Cast | Player | Character | | ------ | ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | Eddie | **Cornelius Peng** / 46 / Clyde’s snubbed former business partner and ex of Clyde and Job | | Jas | **Ambrose Pritchard** / 20(?) / Poppy’s mail-order househusband | | Kris | **Poppy Peng-Pritchard** / 25 / local opium dealer and Cornelius’ daughter | | Julia | **Job Fremont** / 50 / town sheriff, Poppy’s customer, and Cornelius’ ex | | Felix | **Clyde Mustang** / 48 / horse rental tycoon, owner of the Bradford hotel (and former brothel), and Cornelius’ other ex | ## Act 1: Round 1 (7/24/26) ### Scene 1: Cornelius — So about that promotion… CORNELIUS I guess I can kick off the setting then. So, yeah, we have other employees, but also it's a pretty small business, pretty small town. So the two of us are also taking shifts sometimes. CLYDE It's probably a big business in a small town, so the “big” does not imply that many employees. CORNELIUS Yeah. POPPY Maybe the town is called Bradford and that's why the hotel is called Bradford. Bradford in New Mexico or something. CORNELIUS We can be in California. I mean, the Chinese people are in California, right? POPPY Well, they're everywhere ‘cause of the railroad. AMBROSE They're in Alabama at this time! Y’know, all over the place! We could be anywhere! CORNELIUS Okay, so, I guess, um… I am heading in for my shift, manning the counters and balancing the ledgers and whatnot at Clyde's Rides. And you're already there. So before I head in, I reach into my coat pocket and take out my flask and take a long swig to steady my nerves. Um, and I go in the door and head over. CLYDE Wait, you said I’m— CORNELIUS You're doing whatever. You're doing, I don't know, business. CLYDE Okay, yeah, sure. CORNELIUS So you're maybe at a desk. And I'm, like, draping myself over the front of the desk and peering at you through my eyelashes— AMBROSE Oh my, oh my! CORNELIUS —and going like: About time I'm an equal partner in this business, hm? It’s been how many years? CLYDE Oh, it's been years! Okay, okay. Um… CORNELIUS Of your work and mine? CLYDE Yeah, I think I’m gonna kind of raise an eyebrow, not look up at you. I’m still looking down at my work. Peng. Late again. I can smell why. CORNELIUS Ah, you can? It's only, what, like, 17 minutes? Come on, come on! You treat your old friend like that? CLYDE Yeah, well, I gotta say — every 17 minutes is gonna count now. You’ve chosen quite a time to ask this of me, seeing the mess we're in right now. CORNELIUS A good time like 10 years in business together? CLYDE A good time like right after the sheriff pulled quite a pretty piece of income out from under us. CORNELIUS Oh, shit, what? —Oh, the sheriff! I’ll speak with him. CLYDE …You'll speak with him? CORNELIUS I’ll speak with him! CLYDE Do you… I mean, with the look on your face, do you know what happened? How much attention have you been paying? CORNELIUS I mean, I don't know anything about whatever happened, but— come on, come on! The sheriff? Sheriff Fremont? That airhead? CLYDE Yes, well, I— CORNELIUS He won't be an issue. CLYDE That airhead has already been an issue. He— CORNELIUS Do you mind filling me in on what's happening? You know, clearly something has gone down in the last six hours that you were on shift. I'm up next, I'm here to relieve you! Loop me in? CLYDE …Yeah, well, if you were— CORNELIUS We're business partners! You should tell me these things! CLYDE Well, if you were wondering why there'd been investigators coming and snooping around here, it’s because the sheriff came around last night and carted a bunch of our girls away. CORNELIUS Oh shit! CLYDE I guess, y’know, one of ‘em… I mean, I knew she wasn't in her fuckin’ right mind. But she went and opened her mouth to the wrong people, and I've got some books to balance now. You've got some books to balance now. Now that you're here. CORNELIUS I do got some books to balance now! Yeah, I'll talk to that old bag. We'll figure it out. CLYDE What— (laughing) CORNELIUS Okay, someone give me the good or bad ending token! TABLE TALK (We decide Cornelius gets a good ending, and that means Clyde will approve of his offer to talk to the sheriff.) CLYDE I think I'm raising an eyebrow like: I mean, sure. You think you can talk him into smiling on us a little? CORNELIUS Yeah! CLYDE I don't know what makes you think you can do that. CORNELIUS I see him around the bar on Fridays! It's okay, he’s a big old softie, he's a pushover. He's like a blind old mare! Come on. CLYDE Well, for your sake and mine, I hope you're right. Let me know how it goes. CORNELIUS Sure thing, sugar cakes. CLYDE Don’t call me that. Yeah. End of scene. POPPY Yay! JOB Amazing! ### Scene 2: Ambrose — Dinner at Job’s POPPY Now we move on to Jas, right? AMBROSE Oh, shall we have our strange domestic life, Kris? POPPY I have a concept. We could— I mean, if you want to move quickly, we could have a scene where me, you, and my dad are in a carriage and we're going to the sheriff's house for dinner. AMBROSE Yes! I was thinking dinner party. We're on the same wavelength here. POPPY I'm trying to get some opium to him, my dad is trying to talk to the sheriff about the situation, and then you're just trying to get to know this sheriff better. AMBROSE Yeah. I'm kind of torn between Felix and Julia, I think. Cause it's both authority figures, right? So I'm going to keep both of my pokers in the fire, so to speak. I'm here for a man. You're here for opium. You're here for your information collecting. I dig it. TABLE TALK (We decide Jas will set the scene and the peanut gallery will choose the outcome.) AMBROSE Kris, you wanna start? POPPY Okay, maybe I'm like out in the farm area outside of the house trying to wrangle some horses. And I'm calling out to you: Ambrose! Ambrose! Can you help me get these horses? They're out of control and they ain’t listening to me! AMBROSE My darling, surely you don't intend to go to Sheriff Fremont's house so unruly! You know he's a man of appearances, darling, and we're already running late! Please! POPPY As you step out of the gaudy mansion we have, I'm wearing some sort of, like, flannel that's all tussled in dirt. I got my hair in pigtails, I got my boots on, and I'm trying to wrangle, like, a really vicious stallion. I'm like: I just think that the sheriff respects, y’know, showin’ that you are in control of your life! And if we get this mustang under control, then we can ride this one on over to his house. AMBROSE My dear! How can you show you're in control if you're not even in control of your appearances, my darling? I am in a three-piece suit, I've got spats on, like, I am not getting dirty. That is your problem. POPPY You— you will get over here and try to grab the reins on this horse, god damn it! And I start kind of chasing you around the house a little. AMBROSE No! If you get dirt on this suit, my darling, I fear I will have a conniption! POPPY I think as I’m chasing you around the house, maybe at this point my dad arrives from his meeting, from work, to come pick us up as we go all to the sheriff. CORNELIUS Yeah, I’m pulling up. My shift is over. I am pulling up in, like, a little wagon drawn by some of the company's horses, and I step out and I'm ringing the doorbell. AMBROSE I'll answer quickly. Cornelius Peng, your daughter is out of control! Now, please talk some sense into her! We have an impression to make tonight. CORNELIUS Oh, Ambrose, darling! Good to see you, good to see you. POPPY Hey, don’t call my husband your darling! He's my darling! CORNELIUS Oh, oh, I'm sorry, darling! AMBROSE She's trying to get mud on my spats! I can't live like this. I can't live like this! CORNELIUS All right, all right— POPPY Please convince my spud of a husband that he needs to learn how to control a horse before we go meet the sheriff. CORNELIUS Well— AMBROSE See, I leave the control of the horses up to you, Mr. Peng! I— CORNELIUS It is quite all right, children! Children, children, children! The horses are right out there in the front! Let us get into our carriage and let us go! We have a sheriff to wine and dine. AMBROSE Let's listen to your father, Poppy. He knows what’s right. POPPY I'm gonna, like, shove my arm around yours and get some mud on you as I bring you into the carriage. AMBROSE I am literally taking out my monogrammed handkerchief and dabbing at your hand. CORNELIUS I am giving the two of you, like, a placating smile and a little pat on the shoulder. AMBROSE And you know what? I'm eating it up! Male validation! CORNELIUS And I am— well, I guess you don't have to worry about drunk driving a horse because the horse knows where to go. POPPY Do you say that?! CORNELIUS (laughing) I, um— I don't say that on purpose. Maybe I say that a little bit under my breath and then I hop on the horses in front. POPPY I will, like, look over at my pa and be like: Pa, don't tell me you've been drinking the whiskey again! You know, Christ says you shouldn't be drinking. Jesus Christ doesn't want you drinking that much — if you're drinking anything, it should be grape wine! Like the real Christians did! CORNELIUS Well, I never knew a Mr. Christ back in China. Come on, let's go. POPPY Ambrose, you know what? Ambrose, this is a good time for you to tell my pa about your new businesses over in the East Coast! That we're, y’know, thinking of getting back into, right? AMBROSE Oh, no, no! I think my older brother inherited that! I'm not really much of a businessman, really. I do like to keep the household and affairs in good order — order the good linens, I can do all that. I'm wonderful at that! Business, no no no no, that's much more Andrew's thing. CORNELIUS Okay, do we want to cut to the actual dinner? AMBROSE Yes, yes, yes. Let’s do it. CORNELIUS Okay, actual dinner. How are we seated? AMBROSE I think I would like to be between authority figures and across from my wife. POPPY I'm trying to sit next to you. I'm constantly moving my chair, like, creeping across the floor. AMBROSE I’m like— Darling, darling, let's be modest! Let's be modest, darling! —and pushing you out of the way and pulling the sheriff over. Well, Mr. Fremont, that suit certainly suits your complexion! CORNELIUS Mr. Fremont, may I have a quick word about a business interest? JOB Yeah, sure. What business? CORNELIUS I'm like, gaily putting my hand on yours. I'm like: Oh, I've heard from my business associate, Mr. Clyde Mustang, that there's been… a little misunderstanding there at the Bradford Hotel. You know, some of our lovely guests, some of our girls, were swept up in a little bit of an operation. They were mistaken for prostitutes? That's not the way we operate! I'm sure we can work it out. JOB Well, I got it on good word that that is the way you operate. And it certainly seems like something you would do, Mr. Peng. CORNELIUS Oh, come on, let's have a— JOB I’m gonna try to shake your hand off of mine. AMBROSE Wait! I would like to add my hand to the pile here. It's okay, let's talk business! It's all right, it's all right! All friends here at the table! POPPY Now you're interested in business? CORNELIUS Let’s have a chat—! AMBROSE Well, when it’s Mr. Fremont's business! I do have an interest— CORNELIUS I’m trying to swat off Ambrose’s hand. I’m like— Sheriff Fremont, we have a mutual relationship of respect and understanding. Come on, we can talk man to man! Let me take you out for a drink, maybe a smoke! I'll show you how the business operates! You’ll understand it's not like that at all! AMBROSE I'm sure Mr. Fremont doesn’t have— CORNELIUS The girls are innocent, the girls are lovely! Lovely young women. Lovely young American women. JOB Cornelius, I don't want to go where you and Clyde are hanging out. CORNELIUS No, Clyde won't be there, come on, come on! Don't be a killjoy, have a drink! JOB He does down the drink he's like— You can't get me to go where you and fucking Clyde are doing… whatever you’re doing. AMBROSE But we could treat you! We could have you at our place! Me and Poppy— well, I keep a fine house. Poppy does what she does best, which is nowhere near my linens. But I'd be more than happy! And we could talk about how brave and strong you are… and then you don't have to worry about business. We can just have fun! CORNELIUS Peanut gallery, peanut gallery, let's assign. JOB We need a die. We need to figure out if Jas gets their way or not. CORNELIUS Felix, you and Jiayi are the only true peanut gallery… or I guess Kris is kind of also in the peanut gallery, with how much Poppy is getting sidelined in this conversation. AMBROSE He wants somebody who appreciates his linens, y’all! He put a lot of time into picking them out! TABLE TALK (We decide that Ambrose will get his way and Job will come over — but he’s really coming over to get his opium fix from Poppy.) JOB I think Job is going to lean back and look Ambrose up and down and be like… Yeah, I'll come over. I like your energy. You remind me of someone, when he was… a lot better to hang around with. …and gives a glance to Cornelius. But then as they're getting up, when they’re moving out, I think he gives a wink to Poppy. CORNELIUS Cornelius is giving a narrowed-eye look at Job Fremont and a little huff, a gay little huff. AMBROSE Cucked by your son-in-law is crazy. JOB Yeah, that’s the scene. So Ambrose got his way! AMBROSE And Poppy got hers! Everybody won except Cornelius! ### Scene 3: Poppy — Rendezvous in the barn CORNELIUS Okay. I think we might have time for one more scene. Kris’ scene. POPPY I feel like I need to see the sheriff. AMBROSE Yeah, it’s opium time. JOB All right. CORNELIUS Also, peanut gallery, we need to start balancing the black and white dice. Unless we want an act two where everything goes wrong for everyone. CLYDE Oh yeah, that's true. POPPY Okay. I guess I should DM this one and set the scene… and then you guys will decide that it's a failure? Okay. Um, let's see. I think you came over, Sheriff, to the Peng household, which is this gaudy old mansion nestled in dirt plotted as a park. Yeah, gaudy old mansion and a lot of farmland right outside of it. You came in and maybe talked with Ambrose for a little bit, and, like, drank his stupid ass lemonade, whatever he makes. But at some point I managed to get you to come out to the barn where I keep the good stuff, the real stuff you're looking for. JOB Yeah. I give Ambrose a little rub between his shoulder blades and am like— Just a moment. AMBROSE Oh, you flirt, you! POPPY As you walk outside, I'm riding, like, a huge black stallion right beside you. Hey there, Sheriff! JOB Hello! POPPY Nice seein’ ya, it's a fine hot day out. JOB Hello, lady Peng-Pritchard. Always a pleasure to see you! POPPY Yeah. I will kind of lead the horse over towards the barn. You must be tired of all these— these wishy-washy men haggling you for different things, huh? And I spit in a bucket. JOB You bet. And you know why I'm really here. POPPY Yeah, yeah, all right. I'm here to help out. I'm here to get you what you need! And I start, like, shoveling some hay bales to the side. And I'm like— Mind if I ask a question? JOB Shoot. POPPY When'd you start— was my opium the first you had? I mean, I know it's good stuff, but like… —and I will kind of grab, like, a pipe and whatever container I have. JOB It was. I don't think I would’ve gotten into it if it weren't for the fact that it was you who grew it. POPPY Yeah— well, I mean, I get it shipped in. I don't grow it here, it'd be too complicated. (laughs) JOB Whatever. I don't know the details of the opium business, dear. POPPY I will almost pass it to him, but then I'll pull it back and be like— You got the payment? Getting a little grabby! JOB I think he’s, like, nearly stumbling grabbing for it. And then he scowls. He's like— Yeah, yeah, I've got the payment for it. And he hands over— How much was it, again? POPPY How much was it? Like… whatever currency we use these days. (laughs) A couple of gold coins? Doubloons? JOB Well, he's going to lean in conspiratorially, like: Well, you know, I just recently hit the jackpot. POPPY Oh, Mr. Big Money Bigshot! JOB Yeah, work pays well, work pays well! POPPY I mean, my pa was talking about you shutting down a bunch of girls, and… sending them off? Carting them off from the hotel? What's up with that? JOB Oh yeah, that business is bad news. Clyde? He’s bad news. I knew he was doing some unsavory shit in his fucking— POPPY Clyde? JOB Yeah, Clyde. Your father's partner. POPPY He's got pretty nice cheekbones, I must say. JOB … POPPY You don't see it? JOB No. POPPY Okay, I won't bother you on that. JOB What, you think Clyde has nice cheekbones? I mean, look at your own husband, dear! POPPY Ambrose is a wet noodle who just won't bend my way! JOB I mean, if it's cheekbones you're after, if it's prettiness you're after… POPPY I think when we change the subject to Ambrose, I will, like, deflate and sit on the hay and just kind of rub my eyes. Sheriff… you ever dealt with a man who just— you love so much but just won't give it back? I swear, Ambrose — I was so excited to meet him, and every day it's just, “I need to take care of my linens! I need to go napkin my napkins!” And I just… (sigh) god damn. JOB Oh, you wouldn't… you wouldn't know the half of it. That's why I need this in the first place. TABLE TALK (We decide that Poppy’s bad ending will be Ambrose spotting them and getting the wrong idea, and Cornelius finding opium paraphernalia left in the barn.) POPPY I'll see the Sheriff starting to light it, and like— Ah, thanks for being a listening ear. Let me help you out with that. I got a lighter— …um, or a matchstick, or whatever we use these days. JOB They have lighters, I think! POPPY In the 1800s? CORNELIUS They have, like, the steel or copper— the Zippo lighters! AMBROSE Flint and steel, flint and steel! POPPY I'll reach over — I'll step on, like, a piece of hay, because I'm short — and try to light it for you. And then I think there’s, like, a lantern sitting nearby, and it creates a weird silhouette that… Ambrose, you see me reaching over and leaning towards the face of Sheriff Fremont, who had just disappeared from your loving gaze. CLYDE He’d know that silhouette anywhere. AMBROSE I had my two little glasses of whiskey, and I dropped them. I'm very sad. CORNELIUS You also need to close the scene in terms of, like: does Job leave afterwards without talking to anyone, or no? POPPY I'm gonna, like, help you smoke, and then pat you on the head and be like— You're my best customer! —and then I'll back away. JOB Yeah, I think he's like: Poppy… thanks. You make up for the bullshit your father has put me through. And then I leave without talking to anyone, because I've got what I'm interested in, which is my opium. POPPY Yeah. And then I'll feel, like, a little bit happy that I'm seen as better than my dad, and I'll just kind of— I accidentally leave some hay revealing a small cache of some of the opium, and I'm gonna get on my horse and go ride around town… leaving my father to maybe spot that there's opium in the barn! Which could have been Ambrose's, or mine, or someone else's… but probably mine. AMBROSE My constitution is too delicate to smoke opium, I fear. CORNELIUS Yeah, so then, like, an hour or two later, when I'm leading the horse back in the barn, I spot a little stash of opium peeking out of the hay. I nudge the hay over, and then I pick up what looks to be a pipe, and I'm, like… rotating it. AMBROSE Ruh-roh. JOB Poppy’s in trouble… ### Scene 4: Job — Raiding Clyde’s Rides (again) CORNELIUS Okay, do we think we have time for another scene? It's only 11:37. AMBROSE I think we do. At the pace we've been going, we could definitely get in at least one more. JOB Yeah. Okay, so it's my turn. What scene do I want to do? CLYDE It feels like— I would say that we should have a scene, but at this point in the story, I don’t know what the scene would be. JOB I was actually thinking— I do think Clyde and Job should have a scene, but I'm trying to decide… yeah, because I need to get you to want to try to help me. Without mentioning the opium specifically. CLYDE Yeah. Well, I think I need to know— so I know that Cornelius went to talk to you, and at this point, I don't know the outcome of that. So either I need to have learned the outcome of that between scenes, or I need to learn it from you. JOB Yeah, okay. Maybe I will go and be mad at you, so that you have some reason to try and blackmail your employee. CLYDE Okay. Do we want to say that I was there when you busted us, or no? Maybe I wasn't there and I heard it from the employees that were. JOB Yeah. I think maybe he will be doing another sweep of the hotel, just to make sure that you haven't just brought the girls back at some point. So on some random evening, he and maybe another squad of three or four men are going to bust into the hotel and do another sweep. He's just going to pound on the door, y’know— Police! Open up! CLYDE Okay, yeah, I'm gonna come open the door. Can I help you all? JOB Hello, Mr. Mustang. CLYDE In the flesh. JOB I'm here for a follow-up investigation. Let me and my boys in. CLYDE I don't really know what there is to follow up on, but… sure, Mr. Sheriff, come on in. JOB Oh, you know plenty — about your unsavory business. Your girls. CLYDE Listen, I— I really only heard secondhand what that girl was tellin’ ya, but I really think you've got the wrong idea about us. JOB Oh, and I'm supposed to believe that? CLYDE I mean… fair enough that I own this place, but I respect the privacy of the fine folks who stay here. Whatever they get up to behind closed doors is— I don't consider that my business, as long as they check in and out on time and they, y’know, pay me the agreed upon rate. JOB Do you consider yourself a good businessman, Mr. Mustang? CLYDE Well, I don't know how wise it is to toot my own horn, but I'll say I do my best. JOB And you think that kind of money comes from what, fucking horses? It's gotta come from fucking, too! Come on, Mr. Mustang, you think horses bring in that kind of money? You know how much my boys seized that night?! It was wild, there's nothing like it. Only sex pays that much. CLYDE (shrugs) Horses make more than you think. JOB No! CLYDE Look, I mean, I don't really know what I can say to convince you, but… JOB And y’know, it’s crazy that you would sell such a thing because— you know, you probably don't even like girls! PEANUT GALLERY (choking) CLYDE Clyde raises an eyebrow, like— ‘Scuse me? JOB You somehow got your fucking— you and your partner. I know you— I know there's something going on there! CLYDE My partner. JOB You and Cornelius think you can hide? Cornelius used to be such a sweet boy until he met you! CLYDE …(scoffs) Well, I— JOB I know you did something to him. CLYDE I don't know why you feel the need to get personal, Sheriff. But he— JOB You don't want to get personal? Here's the deal! I've got my plate so fucking full with all the fucking crime around here, and I don't have time to entertain the fucking— hunting down and following up with your girls that you aren't even into! You know, you're wasting my time sending your partner— my old friend, back to me? To try to talk to me, wasting my fucking time?! I've got too much other shit going on, got it?! Don't send your partner to me, don't send my old friend to me, don't— CLYDE Look— JOB I think this goes badly. TABLE TALK (We decide that Job gets a bad ending by looking stupid.) JOB Yeah, so I guess, like, he’s getting mad— I feel like with the particular way he's been arguing, the boys are also like, “Why the fuck is he suddenly getting personal?” CLYDE Yeah. JOB And then he's got his hand on his hips, and he accidentally— he can accidentally fire his gun, and then he, like, is super spooked by the sound of his own fucking gun. CORNELIUS Wait, you need to do the rant where he takes out his gun to wave it around first! JOB Yeah, yeah, he takes out his gun to wave it around and he’s like— he's waving his gun around, going like— I've got so much on my fucking plate, trying to keep all the crime in the city down, I don't have time to deal with your new partner and checking on this place again and— —and he fires it, and then when he fires it, he is immediately extremely spooked by the sound of his own gun. TABLE TALK (We decide Job’s accidental gunshot hits a barrel of beer.) CLYDE Whoa! Easy, easy, all right? You're gonna spook the horses! AMBROSE And the hoes! You're scaring the hoes! POPPY I think your lieutenants and buddies start kind of chuckling and calling the sheriff, like— “Sounds like a bird, the way he chirps like that!” JOB He angrily puts his gun back in his holster and he's extremely petulant, and he’s like— Boys, move out! And immediately leaves. CLYDE (sighs) Always a pleasure. I'm gonna close the door after you and then just kind of stand, arms crossed, looking at the beer spilling on the ground. And then, yeah, end of scene. ### Scene 5: Clyde — Cornelius at the bar CORNELIUS Well, okay, I think we could cram just one final scene just for a whole first round. CLYDE Oh, okay, so this is me. TABLE TALK (We decide Clyde will have a scene with Cornelius, but Cornelius is currently missing from his shift, so Clyde needs to talk with Poppy first to find out where her father is.) CLYDE I guess it’s the next day. You were supposed to come in and you did not, and it's been more than— CORNELIUS More than 17 minutes? CLYDE More than 17 minutes. So I think I am going to go out to the stables where Poppy is. What do you think Poppy's doing? POPPY Shoveling manure. CLYDE Okay, sounds good. Poppy? POPPY She'll kind of stick her shovel away and actually brush off some dirt as she sees you. Oh, Mr. Mustang! Can I— nice to see you around here! What can I do you for? CLYDE Always lovely to see you. I'm looking for your old man. POPPY Yeah? CLYDE He’s supposed to be on shift right now and I haven't seen hide nor hair of him. I don't suppose you know where I could find him? Because I would like to have a word. POPPY I mean, he hasn't been around the farmhouse, hasn't been helping out with the horses lately… honestly, I'm really the gal in charge when it comes to these things. I mean — if you need help with something? I'm the real upstart around here, actually! CLYDE Oh, I can't disagree. You're doing fine work around here. But unfortunately, this is a conversation I need to have with your father. POPPY What, is it about business stuff? I'm very business-minded these days! CLYDE Yeah, it’s… POPPY I'll spit in a bucket. CLYDE …it's a little over your head, I think. We've just been having some trouble with the sheriff coming around, making accusations. POPPY Oh! CLYDE If you see a hole in one of the barrels we got, that was courtesy o’ him. And I just… your father said that he would speak to him, and, y’know, I really think he made things worse. POPPY Ah. Yeah, that’s my pa. CLYDE Not something you need to worry your pretty head about, but… POPPY Oh, pretty head? Oh—! (giggles) Uh, yeah! Um, she gets a little bit flustered and is like: So you’ve been standing up to the sheriff! That's pretty strong and masculine of you. CLYDE Yeah, I think he'll preen a little bit. Well, y’know, it— I can't say it's a happy business. But when this place is on the line, I’ll do what I gotta. POPPY Oh yeah. I mean, I wouldn't want to lose the horses! …I mean, well— I like the horses. I do like the work! But I— I'm interested in the higher level things. So if I help you… I think maybe I could source where my dad is. Maybe you could slide on over a little favor and let me help out with some business stuff? One of these days? CLYDE …You drive a hard bargain. I mean, the help would be much appreciated. I'll see what I can loop you in on, if you can find your old man for me. POPPY Yeah, he’s at the bar. The devil's got to him, I think. CLYDE (sigh) …Yeah, I guess I really should’ve checked there first. Well. Always nice to see your face. Keep up the good work. I'll let you know if there's anything you can help out with. POPPY Of course! I'd always love to help you out, Mr.— Mr.— uh, yes! Mm! And I'll open the door for him. CLYDE Thank you kindly. Yeah, okay, I am heading to the bar. How do I find Cornelius? CORNELIUS Yeah, so I'm at the bar, I'm like five drinks in. CLYDE (laughs) What time of day? Is it like 10 AM? POPPY Before noon. CORNELIUS It's probably like— the sun's still out. CLYDE Yeah, I think I’m… I don't know how quickly you'll notice me, but I think I'm going to come up and sit next to you and just kind of look at you. CORNELIUS I swivel around and I'm like: Hey! Hey, sugar cakes! CLYDE I think that's Mr. Mustang to you. CORNELIUS Here for a drink? CLYDE It’s 10 AM. CORNELIUS Oh, come on, sugar cakes! I wouldn’t be drinking like this if you would give me… (dramatic sigh) if you would still give me what you promised me? All those years ago? CLYDE Y’know, I recall you promising me something, too. A couple of things, actually. One, that you would be on shift today— CORNELIUS Oh shit, oh shit! CLYDE I’ve got a pile of paperwork with your name on it that is not done. And— CORNELIUS Oh shit, it's 10 AM, okay! CLYDE Sun's high in the sky. CORNELIUS Well, heading out! CLYDE Let's— CORNELIUS See ya! CLYDE No, stay. Stay here a moment. I'm putting a hand on your shoulder to keep you seated. CORNELIUS Yes, baby? CLYDE So how'd that talk with the sheriff go? CORNELIUS (sigh) Oh, that old— that old dog is growing a little bit of bark on him. He spent the whole dinner making those little googly eyes at my son-in-law. Which, y’know— CLYDE Wait, back up, back up. Dinner? So you had him over for dinner, then? I thought you were just gonna— talk to him at the bar? CORNELIUS Yeah, we went to his place for dinner. It ended up being a whole thing… y’know, a proper little social engagement! And not like, y’know, hitting him up at a bar like a slag. CLYDE … CORNELIUS I’m giving you a little bit of an eyelash blink-blink. CLYDE …Right. A proper social engagement that went mighty poorly, I can only assume? I mean, I’ll be frank with you. He came by again yesterday and he was not happy with any of us, and your name came up. I— CORNELIUS Me?! CLYDE I don't know what you said to him— CORNELIUS I mean, your name is on that! I wish my name was on that business with the girls, but your name is on that business with the girls! What's with me? TABLE TALK (We debate what motivation Clyde might have to bring up the possibility of an opium investigation to Cornelius; it’s decided that Cornelius took Poppy’s pipe and left it on his desk, where Clyde then found it while looking for him at the house this morning. We then forget where the conversation left off, so we just shift topics.) CLYDE Listen. I saw something earlier this morning, that… I assume you didn't want me to see? But I went around to your house looking for my missing employee, and I saw something on your desk I've got some questions about. Now, I don't mean to accuse you of— CORNELIUS Get to the point, white boy. CLYDE … CORNELIUS Baby? Sugar cakes? CLYDE You might be some— CORNELIUS You found my panties? You’re interested? CLYDE …If you’re finished. I found what I'm pretty certain is an opium pipe on your desk. Now, I know you're some kind of wreck— CORNELIUS Hmm, you ever— maybe your monocle is up for a replacement? When's the last time you had your eyes checked? CLYDE I don’t— (sigh) I don't know if you're smoking the stuff, or if you're involved in the— CORNELIUS Oh, hmm, hmm! CLYDE I mean, I hope you're not involved in the dealing business— CORNELIUS I-I found it in the dumpster, don't worry about it! I'm trying to, I don't know… sell it off for an ounce of change…? Since you won't give me my part of the business…? CLYDE …In the dumpster. CORNELIUS Yeah! CLYDE Well. If you're such an expert on which dumpsters to find these things in — how’d you like to do something that actually could be worth a promotion? CORNELIUS …What would you have me do? Sugar cakes? CLYDE You can drop that. CORNELIUS I'm, like, leaning over and batting my eyes. CLYDE The sheriff seems mighty overworked, and… y’know, that aside, if not for this whole fuckin’ plague on this town, that girl wouldn't have gone running in her mouth in the first place. I think— CORNELIUS What, do you want me to throw Ambrose at him? CLYDE Ambrose? CORNELIUS Yeah! CLYDE Who’s that? CORNELIUS You know, that boy my daughter married? Blonde, noodle-like, that Sheriff Fremont was sniffing around like an old dog? Y’know, he's living off my family's generosity! He'll bark one day if I tell him to! CLYDE That's… that’s not quite what I had in mind. I think I would like you to go sniffing around whatever dumpster you found this in and try to figure out who's dealing this stuff. I think if we can… you know, I can't say being of help to the sheriff is my first choice. But I think it would help us — and you could help me — if we helped bust this thing. CORNELIUS And… you'll finally make me your official business partner, then? If this all works out, we kiss the sheriff's ass and get the girls working again? CLYDE If this all works out? I'd be open to talking. CORNELIUS Seal that with a little kiss? CLYDE …I'll pass on that. Nice try. ## Act 1: Round 2 (8/1/26) ### Scene 1: Cornelius — Kitchen talk (8:05 ~ 22:49) POPPY Should I say what Poppy's doing in the evening? CORNELIUS Yeah, sure. POPPY Okay. I think she found a bunch of fancy looking herbs that Ambrose must have bought, and she's been trying to mix it all together and make a gumbo stew. A little surprise for him when he gets back from going out on the town. Unless you need him to be in the scene right now as well. CORNELIUS No, I don't need him to be in this scene. But this is kind of a diabolical scene to have while cooking. POPPY I’m just stirring a pot! CORNELIUS But yeah, I’m like: Hey, Poppy, darling — there's something I need to talk to you a little bit about? POPPY Oh, hey, pa! CORNELIUS If you have a few minutes. POPPY Oh yeah, I'm just mixing up the special Peng-Pritchard gumbo stew! You mind taking a— I'll shove a spoon in your mouth. Too spicy? Not spicy enough? What do you think? CORNELIUS Oh, it's perfect, it's perfect! POPPY All right! Yeah, what do you need to talk about? You know, Clyde was coming around asking about you. I had to tell him you were off dealing with the devil! CORNELIUS Okay. I think like Cornelius is kind of tweaking a little bit, but he takes a deep breath and looks around — Ambrose is not in the room — and he pulls the pipe out of his pocket and is like: I found this in the barn the other day. Do you know whose it is? POPPY Is that a— a pipe for smoking… tobacco…? I don't— I mean, I-I don't recognize that. What's that doing in our barn? CORNELIUS Yeah, I was just wondering if you have any leads. I mean, kind of looks like an opium pipe to me… POPPY Opium? W-what’s opium?! CORNELIUS So is someone dumping this on our property? POPPY I think Poppy is starting to stir the stew, like, really quickly. She gets a little nervous. Um, let's see, is this going to resolve well or not well for you? Because I think that will shape how I respond. What do we think? Is this a failure or success? CORNELIUS I mean, I don't know if we've gotten far enough into conversation. POPPY I know, but— okay, we could keep going first. CORNELIUS But also, like, chat, what do we think? CLYDE I feel like I need to know what Cornelius is going to ask for. JOB Yeah, what does Cornelius want here? CORNELIUS I don't know if Cornelius has enough information at the moment to know what he should want. POPPY Okay, Poppy will stop stirring for a bit. Pa, I mean— opium, drugs, I wouldn't dabble in that! I don't even drink a drop of liquor! I barely even drink much of the Christ's blood when we head on over to the church! I don’t— I don't drink wine, you know me! CORNELIUS Oh, of course, I know! I mean, you wouldn't want to end up like your old man. I was just wondering, y’know, if you would know who left this here. POPPY I mean, there are… y’know, I— occasionally we have, like, some farmhands who come by to check on our side of the ranch, from— y’know, Clyde's side of the business. I mean, Ambrose sometimes has visitors? I-I can't— I mean, you have, y’know, important co-workers who come by as well, and uh— I don't know, the mailman drops by, the milkman drops by, the sheriff drops by? I mean, just a lot of people coming over, visiting, I— anyone could have just snuck into the barn! Maybe one of the horses brought it in! I don't know! CORNELIUS …Horses have been getting so intelligent! POPPY (nervous laugh) Yeah, exactly! CORNELIUS Okay, well, if you've got nothing, I guess I'll go ask Ambrose. POPPY Uh— hmm… CORNELIUS If he knows anything. You think he might know anything? POPPY Ambrose? No! I mean, he's like a— he's as innocent as a— as an angel's butt… cheek, I dunno, he's such a delightful, wonderful husband of mine! He wouldn't do anything wrong, of course! I mean, you chose him, right, Pa? You chose the perfect match for me, right? CORNELIUS As long as you're happy, dear. POPPY Yeah. I'm very happy. And I'm gonna keep stirring my stew very hard. TABLE TALK 14:39 ~ 17:34 (We decide to let the scene play out and assign an appropriate die at the end.) CORNELIUS Well, I mean, I don't want to stir up trouble or anything. It's just that the Sheriff has been weirdly on our case about the business, doing sweeps of every little thing that we've been up to. And, y’know, I'm just worried that whoever's pipe this is, that maybe our family will get caught up in the crossfire of whatever sweeps he's been doing. POPPY Oh, that’s… CORNELIUS But if you have any leads, so we can… y’know, point him at the right person? POPPY Wait— you think that if they found, like, one of us was dealing opium, we'd have to… leave town? We'd have to skedaddle out of here, sell the ranch, and… make our way to big New York City or somewhere else? Wow, that'd be horrible! CORNELIUS Well, I don't think that's not the case. POPPY That'd be terrible! I mean… I mean Ambrose was just getting used to living around here, he just started liking it here! If we had to leave town, y’know, change our names, take on new identities, and live whole new fulfilling lives somewhere else? I don't know, that’d be— that’d be— that'd be diabolical, I mean…! Hm… Poppy's, like, thinking really hard right now. TABLE TALK 19:22 ~ 12:36 (We decide Cornelius gets a black die.) POPPY I’ll fiddle with my wedding ring a little bit, thinking about what we've been talking about. …I don't know, maybe— maybe it was just a fluke. Maybe it was something that was just left behind in that barn, I mean, that barn's been around for a while. There's got to be some sort of… y’know, druggie who wandered in, left it under the hay bales and walked away in the night, I— Pa, I don't think we need to worry our pretty little hearts about anything. Y’know, just— I'm sure there's something else you can find in town that's more important to bring over to your boss or to the sheriff or whoever. Let's just— let’s just have dinner and enjoy a lovely little gumbo stew with my husband once he gets back home! CORNELIUS …Of course. I'll make sure to talk to him as well, then, when he gets home, just to make sure he hasn't seen anything. Is that the whole scene, then, or am I also talking to Ambrose in the same scene? JOB I think that's probably your scene, because you got a die for it. ### Scene 2: Ambrose — The letter (22:50 ~ 35:17) AMBROSE Yeah. No, I think it can lead into what I'm thinking — because Cornelius has a reason to talk to Ambrose, but I think, if I can do the scene set up, then you'll decide how it ends. I think he has found the letter, and he wants to talk to papa. So I think when Cornelius gets back, I've been just, like, going around in the upstairs, trying to find where my nice linens ended up — and somehow that's taken me into your drawers, I don't know why. But I do find the letter, and I've read it a few times, and I'm like: wow, fondness between men seems… rich! CORNELIUS Wow, you're looking for your missing panties in my drawers? AMBROSE I don't know, I'm just a boy! What do I know? But I think I don't think to close the drawer before I leave, and I do also take the letter. So, you might come back and notice that it is empty, but I'm downstairs pacing and trying to think about what to do with this information, because I've also seen Poppy hitting on him, and I'm like, “Wow, this is kind of crazy.” So, I mean, I'm just pacing around, and if you want him to come in whenever, I think that's where I’m gonna start things. TABLE TALK 24:39 ~ 25:29 (Eddie goes to grab a shitty lukewarm beer because he can’t play Cornelius sober.) CORNELIUS So what's the setting? Is it the same day? Before or after dinner? AMBROSE I think it's the same day, we were getting ready-ish for dinner. You might have come home and noticed your drawer with your beloved Job letter conspicuously open, and that's a little suspicious. CORNELIUS It is highly suspicious! Um, I guess I’m checking around my room to see if anything else was moved. AMBROSE I feel like I'm not that conniving, but you might hear me pacing in the hallway, like, muttering to myself about the implications. Like, just me saying— (whispered) The implications! CORNELIUS Yeah, I think I comically just look at my open drawer, rifle through my shelves, slam the drawer back closed— AMBROSE I think he noticed, oh no…! CORNELIUS And then I’m slipping into the hall, going— Wait, first of all, out of character, is Ambrose employed? AMBROSE No, no, no, he's a male wife. I think his technical job is probably, like, doing some sort of accounting for the family business, but… look at him. CLYDE Yeah, Cornelius has also referred to Ambrose as living off of his family, so. AMBROSE He's the prettiest little leech in the wild west! CORNELIUS Yeah. Okay, so I guess I’m just going into the hallway, and I'm going like: Hey, Ambrose, darling. AMBROSE Oh, hello, hi! Wow! You are— back! CORNELIUS Is anything troubling you? AMBROSE No, no, no! And I'm just putting the letter down my pants, like, not doing a good job hiding it. No, no, no, no, nothing, nothing! It sounded like something was troubling you — a matter of the drawer, yeah? CORNELIUS Yeah. You think you might know why my drawer was open? AMBROSE You're— you have a drawer open? He does not realize that Poppy has literally just run this exact scheme on you downstairs and that you might be sick of people… CORNELIUS Oh, don't worry about it if you haven't seen anything with my drawer. Y’know, that old rickety thing — the years are stacking up. But hey, I was wondering… And then I pull the opium pipe out of my pocket. I found this in my barn the other day. Would you know which little rapscallion amongst the farmhands or whoever might have left it? AMBROSE It's all coming together in my mind right now, you know? And then I kind of, like, just direct this towards Cornelius and say: You know, um— I know that you have a certain fondness towards the Sheriff, but you should know that Poppy may share a similar fondness with the Sheriff as well! And— and it's possible that the opium played a part in this fondness, but it's— it’s perfectly normal for you to feel the fondness that you would feel for the Sheriff, right? Like, if you were a man, and he was a man, that would be fine, right? Like— like— acceptable? I'm, like, clearly trying to get my own head straight while I'm giving away everything. CORNELIUS …Can you speak up, darling? AMBROSE Well, it's just— say, if a man were to share this sort of fondness for another Sheriff, that your daughter seems to share for a Sheriff, um— who would also happen to partake in such unsavory things, like— that would be acceptable, right? The— the Lord wouldn't look unfavorably upon that, right? Like, that's normal! It's okay! And I kind of gesticulate with the paper. I'm not thinking about it, I’m just worked up. I'm not good at schemes. I'm not good at lying. CORNELIUS I'm plucking the paper out of your hands. Oh, look what's blown in! AMBROSE I just found it on the— on the— on the mantle! Poppy must have read it and been inspired by your ardor! CORNELIUS Are you saying Poppy's smoking opium? AMBROSE I'm saying Poppy found your letter, and was filled with such affection for the Sheriff that she was going to buy it by any means necessary! And the— the man must have— maybe she thought that opium was the way to his heart! She just doesn't know the fondness that men could share with other men, hypothetically— but it's written so well! Like, y-you know, you've seen it, I've seen it! It's okay! CORNELIUS Poppy— Poppy has her eyes on the Sheriff…? AMBROSE I saw them in the barn not that long ago, and they were— they were close. She was… like, I couldn't see where her hand was moving, but it was below the window. Like, you know what I mean? CORNELIUS That's… that's highly troubling. I… might have to talk to her— AMBROSE B-but it's okay, because she was just so inspired by this passion! Which is normal passion! And I'm, like, getting a little teary about it. CORNELIUS Normal passion? AMBROSE Between two men! It’s— It's perfectly normal! It's beautiful! CORNELIUS Tell me more, darling? AMBROSE Well, it’s— the letter!! CORNELIUS What do you know of the companionship between two men? AMBROSE Oh— oh, it's a hypothetical! It's a concept, it’s an idea, it’s an idea! Um, such Sheriff-shaped men— or not Sheriff-shaped specifically, but… for a man to feel that sort of affection, it is normal, right? Like, it's kind of clear that I have not talked about this with anyone before. CORNELIUS And is this what you intend with the Sheriff? AMRBOSE Well, n— not if it's not normal… CORNELIUS …Oh, darling, don't worry about it. Say, have you… have you been fulfilling your duties as a husband to my daughter? AMBROSE W-well… you know, is the— is the conjugal aspect of a marriage truly what forms the relationship? Is it not… a little higher? Besides, I-I respect Poppy so much! Why would I ever do something so… visceral, and… (shudders) womanly? No, no, no, I— I respect her too much, as a… a lover of women! And men! They're both great. They're awesome! CORNELIUS Of course, darling, of course. I understand. Don't worry about it, don’t worry about it. Just a little misunderstanding. Come, let's have a nice dinner together. AMBROSE B-but is it nor— do you feel like— I-I thought it was normal! It seems like— CORNELIUS Don't worry about it, don’t worry about it. AMBROSE But Job feels that way for you, and— CORNELIUS The stew is waiting for you, the stew is waiting for you. Come on, we wouldn’t want the stew to get cold. POPPY This feels like a failure, I think. AMBROSE I think failure for Ambrose is not getting reassurance that being gay is okay. POPPY Aw… but the stew! JOB All right, you're getting your black die. AMBROSE Yeah, it's over. But now the dots are maybe connecting on opium and Poppy and the sheriff. So Cornelius wins, in a way! And Ambrose loses. ### Scene 3: Poppy — A date with Ambrose (35:23 ~ 47:26) POPPY Okay, I guess it's my turn. I think it’s time for me and Ambrose to go on a little date out of town! JOB (laughing) Maybe he'll even fulfill his conjugal duties at the end of his date! AMBROSE No, no, I respect women too much! I could never fulfill a conjugal duty with a woman ever! POPPY Okay, I think at some point— I'm assuming that our stew dinner all together goes horribly. The stew is overcooked and terrible. So after that kind of ends with us sleeping in the same bed, very far apart — I think later that week, Poppy really wants to try to make things up, and, y’know, prove to her dad that things are going well with her and Ambrose. So she's going to try to do things a little bit more like Ambrose! And it's not… I don't think it's gonna work that well. But, Ambrose — she's gonna wake you up at some point, like, early in the day. And she's gonna be trying to wear, like, a freshly ironed, very poofy dress that you've never seen her wear. It's super fancy, and she looks like she's being kind of suffocated by the collar. She's like: (stiffly) Uh— salutations and good morning, my sweet darling Ambrose! I was wondering if we could go out on a nice drive through the town in the family carriage! AMBROSE H— how early! And how much fabric! Goodness, wow! Is that from New York? I just started rattling off different catalogs it could have come from. POPPY Uh, it's… made of cotton! And I'll kind of lead you downstairs where I tried to make some lemonade. It's just… I mean, lemonade is pretty simple, I don't think I messed it up. And then I think we'll go ride in a carriage! You see that I'm trying to act as refined and womanly as possible, like, I’m bowing excessively. I've tried to wipe the grime and grease off me, but there's still a couple splotches here and there. But I'm leading you out to the carriage for a little drive. AMBROSE I'm, like, dabbing you with the handkerchief. Wow, darling, the effort is incredible! So what has you in such a— an excited mood? I'm a little suspicious, because… this is coming after the talk last night. POPPY Uh, when you dab me with your handkerchief, I shiver, because you’ve never touched me like that before. I sit in the carriage and cross my legs a little. I— I don't know! I just— it's been our three month anniversary, so I just thought… it'd be good to spend some time together! And maybe I've been… y’know, really pushing my side of how I think things should be run around here, and… I don't know, maybe I just— (stiffly) I wanted to put up appearances and show you that I am very ladylike! AMBROSE I think I'm a little stunned. Three months is such an incredible time in a woman's life, I'm told. Of course, darling, of course! (whispered) I know nothing about anniversaries, I'm doing my best! Where on the town would you like to go…? POPPY Uh…the… I'm trying to, like, read your expression and figure out what's a good, fancy place. Uh, the town, dirt patch— I mean, uh… li… theater! Theater. The theater! AMBROSE Oh, the theater! Yes, yes. POPPY It's like eight in the morning, so I don't think it's open. AMBROSE We can, um… we can mill around the area before the theater! Which opens at 8 p.m., as it has every night, darling! Um, why don't we go get you some fine goods? I hear there's a new antique store — we could get you some fine porcelain, we could get you some fine lace, we could get you some nice things! How about that? Let's— let's get something refined! Doesn't that sound fun? POPPY (stiffly) Yes, darling. That sounds wonderful. And I kind of grit my teeth as we go and shop for lace and porcelain. Yeah, I think I’m just, like, unnerved the whole time. I see the other women who are in the antique store buying stuff, and I'm just— I feel very strangled walking alongside you. AMBROSE Oh boy, I might take this in a diabolical angle. So, um… Poppy, is it— I-I don't want to presume or anything, but does this have anything to do with, um… (whispering) your liaison with the sheriff? It's okay, it's okay if you did! POPPY The sheriff—?! AMBROSE I mean, I-I don't want to assume! I just— I saw you in the barn, and I mean— it's okay! Like, it's really okay! POPPY I— I wasn't doing anything wrong with— AMBROSE It's really okay if you don't want me! POPPY I— we— what— what are we talking about “want” here?! And I think one of the buttons on my dress kind of, like, pops off as I get a little frantic. I— I— me and the sheriff were not doing anything, he just wanted to see the horses! And he, of all men, actually understands that horses are these beautiful, primal, majestic creatures that deserve to be respected! AMBROSE And it's beautiful that you share that connection, Poppy! That's wonderful! I'm here to say it's okay. I'm really, really quite okay. Don't worry about it. POPPY (voice rising) If it's okay, then why don't you fucking show it, too?! Seems like you're just— moseying around these antique stores— I'll take a plate and just, like, crack it on the counter. AMBROSE Darling, that's no way to behave in— a civilized country—! POPPY It’s okay?! AMBROSE No—! POPPY Since my husband is just wandering around, smelling lilacs, my father will pay for anything we break here! Because that's what happens with you around, right? It's all my family dealing with all the bullshit! AMBROSE Well, maybe I wouldn't have to walk in the lilies so often if you didn't take your meetings with the sheriff in the barn every Wednesday at 9pm! I see you in there with that candlelight! I see where your hand moves, Poppy! What is a husband to do?! POPPY I— We can do that every Wednesday if you want! Me and you! I'll put my hand wherever you want me to! AMBROSE No, that is quite okay! I'm just saying— that is quite okay! I respect you too much, Poppy! I respect you too much! POPPY You keep saying “respect”! You respect something?! You grab it by the reins and pull it in! AMBROSE No, no, no, no, I leave the reins right where they lay! And I, like, gesture to your chest. Very uncomfortably. POPPY I look down at my chest. Touch them. Touch them right now! AMBROSE No! Darling, I—! POPPY If you respect me, you'll touch me right now! AMBROSE I kind of look like I'm about to touch a cobra, but I, like, gently poke them with my gloved hands and I'm just like— There, you see? Respect! Don't you feel respected right now? POPPY She kind of, like, crosses her arms. TABLE TALK 43:08 ~ 45:00 (We decide to just let them cook and assign an appropriate die at the end.) POPPY You know, Ambrose, I— my daddy chose you to be my husband, right? AMBROSE Well— well yes, that was the advertisement… POPPY …You don't want to go back to that little southern town you hate so much, do you? AMBROSE Well— no—! POPPY ‘Cause I'm not feeling super appreciated. It feels like the sheriff is getting— it seems like you're paying more attention to the sheriff and him getting fondled than me getting fondled right now! AMBROSE Oh no, no no! I have no care for how the sheriff is fondled! No, no, Poppy! I-I think I'm giving the wrong impression here! Tell you what, tell you what? It's our three-month anniversary, why don't we go to one of the rival horse farms? W-We get you whatever filly you want, I’ll buy her nice and pretty! It'll be wonderful, my dear. My darling! And I will touch your shoulder. Like, it's kind of like a fish, but I'm trying. POPPY …We get a horse, and you learn how to ride it. And you ride me through town. AMBROSE …Oookay, yes, that sounds wonderful, dearest! POPPY That's lovely. What a lovely day this is. And I'll kind of put my hand around your arm as we walk out of the antique store. AMBROSE We know who's wearing the pants. Yeah, I think that is scene. POPPY That felt like a success in the end, I think. JOB That was so crazy. POPPY Felix, you look like you're gonna faint. CLYDE I— I felt like I was possessed by the spirit of Julia during this scene, I— like, the spirit of her seal-clapping… JOB Yeah, I could hear you this time! AMBROSE I got the weed that made me evil and gay, I don't know. POPPY It was good, it was awesome. CLYDE I want to hear the perspective of the owner of this antique shop, who was presumably just, like, staying out of it. ### Scene 4: Job — Midnight house call (47:34 ~ 1:02:07) JOB Okay, it's my turn. What am I going to do? I feel like I need to talk to Cornelius. I feel like that's the only edge I haven't talked to one-on-one from my POV. So… I don't really have a thought, but my setup is— he's going to be extremely drunk. He's going to be extremely drunk. And then he is going to— he's going to be extremely drunk, it's going to be 1 a.m., and he's going to be rapping on Cornelius's bedroom window with a bottle in his hand — with a nearly empty bottle of whiskey in his hand that he's barely hanging on to, he's just going to be, like, banging on that bedroom window. CORNELIUS Okay, Cornelius is going to open the window and yank Job in. And I'll be like: Oh, my dear sheriff, my dear sheriff! And then I'll just, like, pull the whiskey bottle out of your hand, take a swig of it myself, and set it gently on the shelf. And I'll pull you over to the bed and just be like: Oh, you missed me, haven't you? You’ve been so stressed recently. JOB Yeah, what's with the delay? Usually by— usually once a month you're coming knocking on my door. But I haven't heard from you in, like— what, two, three? What's with the delay? CORNELIUS I missed you, I missed you, I was just going to come over! I was just going to come over this weekend, you know? But let's catch up, let's catch up! JOB Yeah, yeah, yeah. CORNELIUS I’ll keep you company! JOB I don't care about your excuses, but I want you. And he's going to— yeah, he's like, “I don't care anymore.” And he's going to hook his finger around his fucking belt loop and pull him in and kiss him. CORNELIUS (laughing) Yeah, we can— I think we can fade to black on that, but we can do the following conversation. JOB (laughing) I think, um, the following conversation… is he having—? Okay, I think— well, Job has gotten what he wanted. CORNELIUS Unless he's not staying. JOB That's a great idea, let this drunk-ass man stumble through your hallways to get out. POPPY And then he could run into Ambrose or Poppy or both of them, I don't know! CORNELIUS I think Cornelius is going to, like, lock his bedroom door. I don't know if drunk Job has enough hand-eye coordination to fiddle open a lock. JOB Yeah, he’s like— I think after the fade to black, he's trying to leave immediately and he gets up drunkenly, he grabs the empty bottle— CORNELIUS No, no! My dear Sheriff, you're in no state to walk back tonight. Here— stay the night? JOB Oh, now you want me to stay the night? CORNELIUS I've always wanted you to. JOB If you always want— if you always wanted me to, then why the hell are you gone for months at a time and talking with that fucking Clyde? CORNELIUS You're in a delicate state right now. It's not the time for this conversation. JOB Oh no, I think it's the perfect time for this conversation! Let's fucking hear it! And then he kind of, like— drops the whiskey bottle, the one that's left, and it spills onto the floor with a loud clatter. I think this is the perfect time for this conversation, actually, let's fucking hear it! What does Clyde have that I don’t have?! Y’know I got his fucking horse, his fucking girl money! Or his horse money, as he says! CORNELIUS Cornelius is going to try to kiss Job and try to, like, wrangle him back into the bed and straddle him again. JOB Answers first, vixen! And he, like, pushes him back. CORNELIUS Cornelius is going to do a little huffy sigh, and he’s going to be like: You know… you know why I kept coming back to you? JOB Let's fucking— let's hear it. What have you got to say to me now? CORNELIUS …Would you believe me if I said that I actually missed you? That I missed the company of a good, strong, honest man who keeps his word? JOB …Sure, whatever. I would’ve believed that maybe the first— maybe the first 2,000 times you said it. CORNELIUS Hm. JOB But I know— I know you and you and Clyde have something going on, and I'm— I'm— CORNELIUS You know what Clyde and I have? You know what Clyde and I have going on? Well. JOB What. CORNELIUS Once upon a time… once upon a time, Clyde rode into town with 20 fucking horses, and he was talking big game about setting up some horse breeding company, and… I saw him, and… I was like— I was a lowly little store clerk back then at the mining company store. And, I… I had a daughter to raise, you know? So I saw him, and I thought: well, this man will give me an easy life for my darling daughter. I never wanted to give you up, if I could help it. JOB I imagine he was, like, sitting on the edge of the bed in a drunken slump, and then he just kind of flops back, hearing that. He still has the whiskey bottle in one of his hands that's dangling off the edge of the bed. CORNELIUS I’m patting Clyde on the chest, and I'm like— JOB (laughing) You mean Job?! CORNELIUS Y— yeah! I'm patting Job on the chest. I'm like: You know, I stayed with him… I stayed with Clyde all these years in the hopes that he would keep the promise that he made to me, to give me my share of the company in earnest, and then… then I wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore! But… it looks like he's still holding that over my head. …I think I have a solution, though. I know you have an opium problem in this town. JOB …Sure, yeah. Can't believe we're talking about work in your fucking bed, but yeah, sure. CORNELIUS Would you like to make it go away? JOB Well, I mean… go away how? Y’know, you say you’re— you’re with Clyde for money, for your daughter, but y’know? I fucking got his— you know who got his money in the end? Not him, and not you, certainly, he wasn't gonna give it up to you! I fucking got it. I got it by busting his fucking girl operation, okay? So, you know, like— if it's money you need, you could’ve— you could’ve forgotten all about Clyde, and you could’ve come with me, you know? And as for the opium problem, well, it depends on how you want the— how— what you mean by going away. I make, like— I make— I make my— CORNELIUS Darling, darling, darling— JOB —I make my money by fucking these fuckers, you know?! CORNELIUS —I know you have an optics problem. And I am saying in plain, honest language that there is someone you can pin it on. JOB …Sure. Who is it? CORNELIUS Well, people, in fact. You have choices! Maybe there’s two! JOB Yeah, I mean, I'm in no rush, I mean— I'm more interested in fucking girl money! (clapping) That's where the big bucks are at!!! CORNELIUS I’m rolling my eyes and giving you a “there, there” kind of pat. I’m saying... I think we can be back together in earnest if Clyde is the one who is found with this. And I take the opium pipe out of my drawer and wiggle it at you. Now keep your voice down! There are other people in this house still sleeping. JOB Yeah, yeah, I know, your daughter and your son-in-law. Your unusually pretty son-in-law. (laughing) Yeah, I got it. My voice is down! —he says, with his voice not down, because he’s a drunk man. CORNELIUS I give you a kiss on your cheek. Good boy. JOB Yeah, whatever. TABLE TALK 1:02:08 ~ 1:03:17 (We decide Job got a white die for that because “he got that Cornelius pussy so quickly.”) ### Scene 5: Clyde — Ride arrangements (1:06:52 ~ 1:33:23) TABLE TALK 1:03:18 ~ 1:06:51 (Clyde wants a chance to interact with Ambrose, but also needs to talk with Poppy, so we retcon Ambrose offering to buy a horse from a rival farm and instead decide the two of them should go pick out a horse from Clyde’s Rides together. We also decide it’s been two days since Clyde’s last chat with Cornelius. They spoke at the bar at 10AM; that night, Poppy made stew for the family and Job paid a midnight visit to Cornelius; then, the following morning, Poppy and Ambrose went on their date, and now they’re going horse-shopping in the afternoon.) CLYDE Sounds like you guys are setting the scene. I feel like we're playing fast and loose. Oh, I feel light-headed. POPPY Okay, let's see. Me and Ambrose are— so I think the Peng-Pritchard household has a couple horses that we just, like, tend to, like, our special prize horses. But most of them are Clyde's Rides. And we come over, me and Ambrose, and we're at the— (laughs) the horse part of the hotel. The rides part — the horse riding, not the human riding — and I'll be kind of talking to you, Clyde, and be like: Okay, Ambrose promised that he'd get me a brand new horse with his East Coast money, and he's gonna learn how to ride it, too! So he's looking for, y’know, a strong and powerful, masculine kind of horse to ride. CLYDE Well, alright! AMBROSE Uh, Clyde, what— what kind of horse tells you you respect a woman? (whispering, sobbing) I need your help… CLYDE (laughing) Okay, okay, I guess we can say— do you think we're already outside, or do you think this is a front desk situation? POPPY I think we could be out in the— AMBROSE Yeah, stable vibes, stable vibes! CLYDE Okay, yeah, yeah. In that case, I think Clyde was already out there, maybe grooming the mane of one of the horses, and he says: Did you promise her that, now? (sigh) Well, let's see… AMBROSE (loudly whispering) Is it that you're more experienced with the respect that is shared between men? It's okay! Pick something that feels that way for you, that’s what Poppy wants for me!!! POPPY Ambrose, you— you don't need to get too close to Mr. Mustang! You're gettin’ in— Mr. Mustang has a bubble, y’know! Gotta respect the bubble of Mr. Mustang! And I'm gonna put my hand on your shoulder, Clyde. CLYDE I— AMBROSE Well, I love— I love Mr. Mustang's bubble!! CLYDE (laughing) Okay, yeah, I’m clasping them both— All right, all right, kids. Now, Ambrose, was it? AMBROSE Yes! CLYDE If you want an answer to that question, I'd say the horse that shows respect for a lady is the lady's choice. So, Poppy? And he's gonna look to Poppy. I know you're well familiar with the specimens we got around here, but you're free to take another look. You got your mind on anyone? POPPY Well, I really want this horse to be one that Ambrose rides! So— I guess I should just choose…? …and I just point at the most unruly horse that there is, because I really like that one — the big black stallion that we have. I really like Nightmare! Nightmare, he— well I just think he's the sweetest! And I think the horse just has red eyes. CLYDE Yeah, I think Clyde looks at the horse, and looks at Ambrose, and has kind of an amused raised eyebrow. I think he maybe gets what's going on here. AMBROSE Hey, darling, wouldn't you want Daffodil with the curly golden mane? POPPY Daffodil's a pussy! I don't want her! CLYDE I mean, if the lady's got her eye on Nightmare here, surely a strapping young man like you can take on a stallion like this. What experience have you got, son? AMBROSE Well— well, with, um, riding the horses of a woman's preference, not as much, but… you know, learning opportunities, right? I-it's wonderful. (choked) I just respect Poppy's choice so much! POPPY I think I'm gonna like— I'm gonna look at Ambrose. Lemme show you how it's done, it's actually pretty simple! And I'm gonna jump on the horse and kind of ride around in circles, giving you an opportunity to talk one-on-one with Clyde. I'm, like, getting on the horse and yelling from a distance, trying to show how it works. Give you two a chance to talk. CLYDE Yeah, I'm gonna glance at Ambrose. POPPY This is how you do it, Ambrose! CLYDE Wife seems to be outstaging you, huh, son? AMBROSE Oh, she's master of her own stage, I'm master of my own! We're not competitive like that. Y’know, it’s just—I respect women so much! I'm sooo… happy!!! CLYDE Oh, I can tell. AMBROSE Do you also feel similar respect for women? CLYDE My blood runs warm as any man's, sure. AMBROSE Well, I, uh— CLYDE There somethin’ you’re implying? AMBROSE Well— what are the characteristics of respecting a woman that would… make her happy…? Like, how… would one find appreciation, in— fulfilling those sorts of duties? CLYDE (shrugs) Hard work? Good horse? Provide for her? I mean… AMBROSE But what if I— what if I'm weak, and I don't like horses? CLYDE I mean, there are other types of riding. AMBROSE I'm a little more acquainted with those! If I can— if you— if those services would be… well… of interest…? I'm, like, giving you the eye, like: you have a stable, okay, wait, authority, wealth, okay…! CLYDE I think he's looking you up and down. Well, if you got experience in that, I don't see what the problem is. What’re you trying to get at, son? AMBROSE Well, it— it's the type of horse! It’s the type of horse, if you know what I mean. CLYDE …(sigh) Look. I don't— I don’t know if there are any… rumors going around, about me? But… AMBROSE Well, if you’re— if you're interested in the same horse as me, I could show you my favorite riding trail!!! CLYDE … …You give quite a hard sell, don't you? Damn if it doesn't remind me of someone. AMBROSE I'm not putting those dots together. No synapses are firing right now. CLYDE Okay, wait, do I… am I gonna go for this? POPPY You wanted to join the torment nexus? Come on in! CLYDE I know! Oh, I mean… KRIS Clyde's got a ride! AMBROSE It's in the name! CLYDE Yeah— Yeah, fuck it, I'll bite. What’d you have in mind for this riding trail? TABLE TALK 1:18:30 ~ 1:21:55 (We decide Ambrose will give Clyde and Poppy a chance to talk by offering to pay for the horse with his body on layaway.) AMBROSE Well, you know, Clyde, I… my father-in-law's generosity only reaches a certain point, but— if you wanted to see those riding trails, why don't I go home and get them ready for you to paw around? And you and Poppy can figure out the dirty details, how does that sound? CLYDE Yeah, y’know, sounds like a deal. You go prepare those trails and I'll wait for you back here? AMBROSE Sounds good~! (shouting) Poppy, I paid! I'll see you at home! I am so ready to go! POPPY You just take the carriage and leave? You take the carriage and leave without me? AMBROSE Well, no, because I'm like— I don't want to deny you the chance to ride your stallion home! I don't want to drag you down! Like, I think it would be so awesome, I would respect it so much if I saw you, like, ride in. It'd be impressive. It'd be amazing. So I’m leaving. POPPY Okay— so I've been like— I’ve been doing tricks and shit with the horse, and I'll bring it back over. Oh, Mr. Mustang, where'd my— where’d my darling husband go? Did everything— I heard him yelling something about— CLYDE Oh, he— POPPY He paid??? CLYDE He went to go powder his nose. We worked out a deal. Gotta be honest, I don't think that one has much of an eye for your skill with the horse here, so… POPPY I’ve been trying to figure out— CLYDE …I don’t know how much difference it makes if he sticks around or not. POPPY I mean the whole— I mean I'm married to him! And God says that if you get married to someone, you got to stick by them! I mean— you— y’know, right? You got to stick by those you love, right? CLYDE You're a good girl, Poppy. I think so too. But not everyone's in the business of loyalty. POPPY Are you saying that Ambrose is— isn't in love with me? CLYDE I… Between you and me, darlin’, I think he might have his gaze elsewhere. POPPY On who? My father? Is it my father?! It's my father, isn't it! He's trying to hook up with my father! That bastard!!! CLYDE Now, now, don't— no need to jump to that conclusion. I just… there's an air about some boys like that, right? POPPY Yeah— yeah, I mean, I didn't— yeah, sure! CLYDE And I mean, if he can't appreciate a good horse, that's gotta tell you something. POPPY Yeah, I-I just… CLYDE And he's gonna kind of pat Nightmare on the neck. But, y’know, enough about that business. I actually— now, I know this is a little soon. But I was thinking I might call in that favor I was going to ask of you. POPPY Oh— yeah! CLYDE You’ve always seemed like an honest girl, so I'm just going to be straight with you. I don't trust that father of yours a lick. And, y’know, you remember the other day when I was poking around your place looking for him? I found that he had an opium pipe on him. POPPY Oh, dear Lord, opium! Like what the Chinese be smoking over there? I'm, of course, Chinese-American! But of course, I mean— it all makes sense! That bastard husband of mine must be smoking it with my father! CLYDE You got reason to think that? Because I… I mean, I'll finish the story: I really don't know if your father's smoking the stuff, dealing the stuff, or really how he would’ve gotten his hands on something like this. But I got an interest in, y’know, seeing the opium problem in this town cleared up. So I asked him to do a little rooting around in whatever dumpsters he claimed to be finding these things in. He hasn't come back to me yet with any news, but… even when he does, I can't say I have much faith that he's gonna be telling the truth. So that's where you come in. POPPY I see… CLYDE If I could ask you to do a little… I don't want to say spying, but— y’know, you see him every day anyway. If you catch sight of anything, catch wind… think you could let me know? POPPY I— I— yeah, I think I will! CLYDE No harm to your father, of course. Y’know, if I was gonna kick him out of this job, I would have by now — he's more than earned it. I just wanna know the lay of the land, and then… we'll see. We’ll see what we can work out. POPPY Yeah, I mean, that's what— that's what smart, powerful business tycoons do! CLYDE (chuckles) POPPY They like to get a lay of the land, understand everything! And I— yeah! Yeah! What if, uh, what if— I-I mean, uh— I don't know if I'm the best at looking around, snooping around, but what if you and I went up to the bedrooms of my house and looked around? I'm sure maybe Ambrose or Cornelius— whatever he's been hiding, it's probably been somewhere around there! And I just— I— I'm more of a rough-and-tumble kinda girl. I'm good with my hands, but I'm not so good with my eyes. But you got that monocle! I-I mean, you're the business man, I'm the— everything else! CLYDE …Well, I mean, I'm sure it would raise some eyebrows if your father was home. But pick the right time? I'll come look around with you, sure. POPPY Really? I— well, consider it— yeah, yeah! It's a done deal! I'll let you know! I'll get those— I'll get the— I'll get everything ready!!! And I start kind of stumbling out. CLYDE Pleasure doing business. (laughing) Okay! Alright! JOB Whitest die ever! AMBROSE That die is whiter than Ambrose. I'm scared. CLYDE Alright! Is that the end of Act One? JOB That's the end of Act One! ## Act 2: Round 3 (8/1/26) ### Scene 1: Cornelius — Catching Ambrose (2:22:53 ~ 2:32:00) TABLE TALK 2:11:16 ~ 2:22:52 (We decide to slightly retcon the timing implied by the previous scene so that Poppy and Ambrose are now both expecting Clyde’s company simultaneously. Clyde will come along with Poppy for an immediate investigation of the Peng-Pritchard household, not realizing Ambrose is waiting for him there; he thinks Ambrose just agreed to meet him back at the stables later in the day, but Ambrose blacked out and wasn’t listening. Also, since Cornelius just had a scene with Job and can’t interact with Clyde or Poppy until they’ve had their scene, we conclude there’s simply no choice but for him to walk in on Ambrose waiting for Clyde.) CORNELIUS Okay, so! By popular demand! So you, Ambrose, are probably lying on the bed with a rose in your mouth, or something like that… AMBROSE Yeah! And some tasteful lace placement, that's what I'll say. It's tasteful, it’s tasteful. CORNELIUS Now, Cornelius had some sort of meeting with, like, a feed supplier where, like— he batted his eyelashes and then they sold the feed to the business for half off or something. He promised some special business relationships! So now he's coming back, and he’s opening the door. He's coming back in through the front door. Does Ambrose say anything? AMBROSE I feel like I do not clock that it is Cornelius, and I'm just like: Well, how-dy rider, I've been waiting~! The trails are ready! CORNELIUS Cornelius… narrows his eyes— CLYDE Wait— wait hold on, hold on, where is he?! Where has— where has Ambrose draped himself?! AMBROSE On Poppy's rug! He is not a respectful boy! CORNELIUS Wait, so are you just out in the living room or something? AMBROSE Yeah! As far as I know, Poppy is on a joyride and I am not at risk. And if she does come home, I can just say it was for her anniversary. Like, it’s fine! I'm sure she'd appreciate that! CORNELIUS So do I enter and I see you immediately, or do I just hear you? AMBROSE Uh, I feel like— hmm… CLYDE It feels like maybe this is the type of house with, like— POPPY A corner you turn. CLYDE Yeah, yeah. CORNELIUS Okay, yeah— so I hear you… AMBROSE I can hear cowboy boots on the floor! CORNELIUS …I hear you. I kind of narrow my eyes and tilt my head… and I don't say anything, and I just walk to the room that you're in and I spot you. AMBROSE Oh, God. I am pulling my cowboy hat down. CORNELIUS And I'm kind of mildly like: Waiting for someone? AMBROSE Oh, um, oh wow! You— you are certainly home! You are certainly home! And I am, like, trying to protect what dignity I have. It is not working. It's actually so over. CORNELIUS Is this about… the sheriff? AMBROSE Oh, it's no sheriff! Oh, no, no! It's— it's Poppy! It's our three month anniversary! So, you know, it's— it's a gesture. For the woman! Because I respect women! I— don’t get the wrong idea! CORNELIUS Darling… cut the bullshit. AMBROSE I— I— what do you mean? CORNELIUS You remind me a lot of myself at your age. Did you know that? AMBROSE Really? You think so? I'm, like, so clueless about what is occurring. CORNELIUS Listen. I know what you're looking for, and… you don't need to pretend that you don't prefer the friendship and company of other men. But, you know… you can tell me anything, right? AMBROSE Well yeah! Y-yeah— yes! Of course! Of course! Like how much I respect your— your daughter! Right, right? Right! It's normal, it's normal! CORNELIUS I'm perching on the arm of our sofa and giving you a kind of like— conspiratorial tilt of my head. You know, I don't know what's going on between you and my daughter, but… I know that whatever it is, you do make each other happy. However… just satisfy an old man's curiosity, will you? Who is it that's caught your eye? AMBROSE Ooh! Uh, well— it's— well, o-of course, it's Poppy! But, I mean, if I were to think about, hypothetically, who are the men I— I don't know! There are lots of good options in this town! I-I don't know I mean, it's not like you would have this appreciation— CORNELIUS Who's got you like this? AMBROSE Well I don't know if you would— I don't know if you would understand! Do you feel those sorts of appreciations towards men? POPPY If so, show me! (laughing) CORNELIUS …Well. And I’m doing a little hush-hush kind of gesture. Don't be shy. You can tell me who your visitor is. I know it's not Poppy, I know it's not me. I know some good guys around town, I can put in a good word for you! AMBROSE Oh— oh, that would be so kind, Mr. Peng! Uh— well— if I can be honest, we may share an affection for the sheriff… (whispers) but also for Clyde! They both have… resources! CORNELIUS …So Clyde’s coming by, you say? AMBROSE (aggressively whispering) Yeah… he's going to come check out these trails…! CORNELIUS Well! AMBROSE He seems keen to explore...! CORNELIUS I'll get out of your hair then. And I’ll pat you on the head a little bit, and I’m just like: Let me just check on something up in my room really quickly, before I head back out. And I'm going to go up and I'm planting the opium pipe in Ambrose's room before I head out. TABLE TALK 2:33:00 ~ 2:35:29 (We decide that’s a white die for Cornelius, and that we might play fast and loose with the ending mechanic later on to be less adversarial.) ### Scene 2: Poppy — Hands-on investigation (2:38:57 ~ 2:49:09) TABLE TALK 2:35:30 ~ 2:38:56 (Since Ambrose is stuck in his current spot until Poppy and Clyde have their scene, we decide to swap Ambrose and Poppy’s turns. We also decide Ambrose’s shame caught up to him and he ran up to his room after being found by Cornelius, so they won’t see him when they come in. Now he’s waiting for Clyde on his bed, instead! After planting the pipe, Cornelius leaves to go find Job.) POPPY I'll lead Clyde into the house, and I see, like, all the lights are out and all that. Yeah, I think my dad's usually at the bar around this time, so we can look around to try to figure out if there's any of this— this opium you're speaking about around here. AMBROSE Oh, brother… CLYDE Sounds like a plan. I can follow your lead on the possible hiding spots around here — or we could split up? POPPY I— I think we can stick together, that's all right! And I’ll kind of scooch closer to you as we walk along. CLYDE (nodding) Double the eyes. POPPY So this is where Ambrose keeps all his linens… And I'll open a closet full of his frilly stuff. I think this is where most of his money's been going towards…? CLYDE Clyde’s kind of crossing his arms and nodding, like: okay, I see what the vibe is here. Quite a collection he's got. POPPY Yeah, I don't really get the purpose of so many different kinds. CLYDE This boy’s gonna be riding that horse? POPPY (sigh) He doesn’t really— He's not riding any horses. He's not riding anything, really. And I'll just kind of root around, showing you around, and then at some point bring you upstairs. (coyly) I mean… y’know, personal place to hide something like that— it must be upstairs in one of the bedrooms. CLYDE Makes sense to me. I mean, I took a little glance around your father's room before, but probably worth another gander. So I think he would probably want to check Cornelius's room first. CORNELIUS Wait, in my room— the pipe is no longer in my room, and I don't have any other, like, opium paraphernalia. However, there is the letter from Job! Do you want to roll to see if you find it? POPPY We have to roll for it?! CORNELIUS Or— unless you have a strong opinion on whether you find it. CLYDE I mean, it would be fun to find it. Yeah, I think we could find it! Okay, who do we think should—? POPPY I think— Poppy probably thinks the pipe is supposed to be here, so when she doesn't spot it, she gets a little frantic and just starts kind of ripping things out of the drawers. Because she thought that her dad was hiding it and she's like, “Maybe I could frame my dad right now!” CLYDE Yeah, maybe, like, tossing things around— I feel like it's better for Clyde to see it, because Clyde so far doesn't know that Job is the one Cornelius was seeing… and also, this letter would presumably be dated to when he and Cornelius were together. So… POPPY Yeah, I'm just tossing things left and right. I'm not really looking at papers. I'm just like— There's gotta be something in here! My dad's been mighty suspicious! CLYDE Okay, yeah. So I think Clyde is probably just taking an idle look at the papers, thinking, like: “Okay, Poppy's overlooking some of these things, but presumably there could be transactions here.” So he's looking, and then I think he sees the letter. And he’s… y’know, he's not gonna take the time to read it right now with company, but I think he glances over it, and — y’know, he’s giving a little nod, and he's gonna fold it up and put it in his pocket. A secret tool that will help us later. POPPY I— I'm sorry, Mr. Mustang, I thought there'd be something useful here! I… maybe— maybe one of the other rooms…? CLYDE Yeah, well. Wishful thinking that it’d be in such an obvious place, right? I bet your daddy leaving that out was carelessness. So let's check the others. POPPY I guess— I mean, if… if my Ambrose is really not so good a guy after all… I'm gonna start walking into our room and I guess you're— you’re getting ready for just Clyde, but you hear me stomping over. And you can tell it’s a woman's footsteps! AMBROSE Oh, God… POPPY And you're still almost buck naked! AMBROSE No, three year anniversary, three year anniversary! I am cool as a cucumber no matter who passes through that door! I'm ready! POPPY But you do— I think I'll be like— Okay, Clyde, I think we could head on in here together! And I kind of put my hand on his chest. AMBROSE Oh, dear God… CLYDE Yeah, I think you can hear two sets of footsteps. AMBROSE No, no, no! I think Ambrose runs to the closet. As he is wont to do… POPPY My goal is to seduce Clyde to have sex with me on this bed, while— I was imagining that Ambrose goes under the bed to hide. And that’s where the pipe is! AMBROSE He could! Wait, that's a cook, that's a cook, I’ll change it, I want to find the pipe. That’s perfect. Let's do it. CLYDE I mean, if anyone can fit under the bed, it’s this twink. AMBROSE He has to, like, curl up into a little S because he's so tall. He's just noodling around. Dear God. POPPY I think as we enter the room, there’s like some moonlight coming in through the window. And we start looking around, we can't find anything — I don't think to look under the bed, ‘cause like, why would you look under the bed? And then I'm sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at Clyde, and— CLYDE I will say— I will say, I think Clyde would think to look under the bed. So he’s probably, y’know, like, leaning down to take a look, and then Poppy starts speaking. POPPY Yeah, you're about to look down and then Poppy’s voice kind of pipes up. This place was supposed to be… y’know, the home of my marriage! Of my love with a man, with a real man! And I just, y’know… CLYDE Yeah? POPPY The thing is, I— ever since we got married, he hasn't so much as… kissed my lips…! CLYDE Well. Sounds like that boy isn't doing his duty. POPPY I just wish someone would… y’know, teach him, or… or at least show me how all that works…! I'm gonna lay back on the bed and kick my— I'm gonna kick my legs, kind of lay back on the bed, and, oh! I notice there's a rose sitting there, and I put it in my mouth. The same one Ambrose was using. AMBROSE The slightly lukewarm rose, dear God… CLYDE (laughing) Wait, I— I have to know, does Poppy— has she, like, kicked off her boots or anything? Or is she getting the mud all over the bed? AMBROSE Is she ruining the linens?! POPPY I think she has to. I think this is her character. AMBROSE I’m floored… CLYDE I think Clyde's gonna her look up and down, like: …Gettin’ pretty bold there, missy. You know if you aren’t careful, you could give a fella ideas. POPPY I wanna give more than just ideas! CLYDE So is that your game? POPPY I've waited long enough sleeping alone in this bed! I'd like a little bit of company… and I think you know how to ride horses like I do. CLYDE …How long until you think your daddy gets home? POPPY I don’t care about what my daddy thinks or knows! Do you? CLYDE Fair enough. I can respect an independent girl. POPPY And you know my daddy — he's always at least 17 minutes or an hour late. CLYDE That I do. Yeah, I think Clyde's gonna go for it! POPPY Oh, God, this is so bad. This feels like a black die for Ambrose! AMBROSE Well it’s not my scene, we switched, remember? POPPY I know, I know, so it’s a white die for me. AMBROSE Yeah, white die for Poppy, good for her! Black die for Ambrose's linens. POPPY Oh, I’m so sorry. ### Scene 3: Ambrose — Laying down the law (2:50:08 ~ 3:20:04) AMBROSE Oh, gosh. What a mess. Like, where do I even start? I have an opium pipe in my hand, getting cucked right over my head. Oh, God. I think… I could use a little help coming up with a scene and then I would be happy to decide an ending. There’s just too many threads that could go somewhere. CORNELIUS I think that Clyde and Poppy need to decide, like, when and how Clyde leaves. And then Poppy presumably will leave the room to do other things and then Ambrose could sneak out and do whatever. AMBROSE Ooh, okay. I’m trying to think what he would think to— I mean, I feel like he would want to give the pipe to Job. ‘Cause he’s the sheriff! He knows what to do with these things. CLYDE Oh, yeah. Okay, do we think that— how are we wrapping this up? Do we think they're doing any more investigating afterwards? We're not going to find anything, so it probably doesn't— POPPY (laughs) I don’t think so. CLYDE Yeah, I think Clyde would probably… y’know, he can talk a big game, but he is a little worried. So he would want to get out of there. POPPY Yeah. I think it resolves fine. I head out to go ride horses in— (laughs) jubilation, while you head home. I think we don't realize that Ambrose has witnessed this. AMBROSE Well, I climb out from underneath the bed— CLYDE Wait, let me say— Clyde did think that Ambrose was going to be coming back to the stable. So, y’know, if he doesn't show up, we can follow up, but like— yeah, he's heading back with that expectation. AMBROSE Hohoho, true, true! I'm a little bit more offended that the sheets are dirty than the fact that I was cucked, I’m not gonna lie. Like I'm actually tweaking as much as Ambrose can tweak… in that, like, the vein on my forehead is popping. It's, like, a delicate pretty little blue. But you know what? I have found the opium pipe in here, and I'm like: One of these conniving Peng-Pritchards thinks they can put it on me? Well! I know the sheriff, and I know he is a competent fine thing! So I'm off to go to the sheriff's office! Let's see if Job is home! TABLE TALK 2:53:16 ~ 3:02:37 (We debate the order in which Cornelius and Ambrose should find Job — given that they’re both looking for him at the same time — and decide Ambrose will find him first and take his turn now, and then Job can carry out his own plans during his turn.) AMBROSE So I'll get out from under the bed, be affronted by the linens, etc., and I'm like: That Poppy Peng-Pritchard has pushed things too far! I will make her see! And I gesture with the opium pipe. I am like— I don't think it's ever occurred to me that Poppy would ever cheat on me! I think I’m a little bit offended, I'm not gonna lie. So I get on my shiny walking boots. CLYDE Wait, what about with Job?! Wasn't Poppy cheating with Job in the barn? Or has he already forgotten all about that? Object permanence of a goldfish… AMBROSE See, but even then, he didn’t, like— it was always suspected with Job! Now he heard it over his head, right after having made his move on Clyde! Like, oh, he's sick and twisted, he is in a bad mood! Where do I find you, Job? Where are you at? JOB Where would Job be that is not the bar? Maybe he is at the police station for fucking once, and that's where— because, like, I imagine that Ambrose is just like, “Where do police officers live? In the police station!” AMBROSE Yeah, I’d buy that. I was gonna say something to that effect. CLYDE Yeah — versus Cornelius knows him better, so he would have gone to, like, where he actually hangs out. But he just happened to not be there. AMBROSE (laughs) I’d buy that. So maybe you see me coming in, and I've got this opium pipe in my hands, and I'm like: I need to speak with an OFFICER of the LAW!!! I don't know what I'm doing. I’ve never reported a crime. JOB I feel like the other boys are like— half-lean back and call for Job, who, like, shuffles out. And then he sees Ambrose, and he's like: Oh, hey, uh… you're one of— you're Cornelius's boy. Ambrose, right? AMBROSE Oh, Sheriff Fremont! I have something urgent to discuss with you! I know that you have been seeing— L-let's go talk to the side! Let's come outside! I'm, like, kind of tweaking. I'm not gonna lie. Like, she's ruined. CLYDE You're dabbing your forehead with your handkerchief every few sentences. AMBROSE Yes, genuinely. JOB There can be one of those interrogation rooms where the two of us can be alone. AMBROSE Ooh, okay! So maybe we shuffle in there, and I'm just like: I know that you and that woman they call my wife have had encounters in the barn. And you know what? It's fine! But you should know that woman deals this substance. That's your— that's who you— what's who you're choosing, by the way. The drug dealer in town! So, you know, as the officer of the law— you should have this, shouldn't you? JOB Okay, so Job hears the first part of Ambrose's statement, of seeing Poppy and Job in the barn, and he's like, “Oh, he saw me do drugs.” And then Ambrose continues and goes like, “You should know about this!” And it's like— oh, you think the drugs is information! Like, what do you mean? What do you think you saw before, then?! AMBROSE And furthermore — more urgent than this opium perhaps! — that harlot has slept with Clyde! So I don't know what you think you have, but she is not saving it for you! So THERE! I'm feeling my handkerchief. I'm like red in the face. I've never been this… CLYDE (laughing) I really enjoy that everyone in this town refers to Clyde by his first name. AMBROSE I can't say Mr. Mustang…! POPPY I call him Mr. Mustang! AMBROSE Okay, Poppy… CLYDE That’s true, that’s true. That's what makes her special. JOB I think Job stares at the pipe… and I think I spend a long time trying to deduce what the fuck it is that Ambrose knows versus thinks he knows— AMBROSE Oh, gosh. JOB He takes the pipe and goes like— You… found this with Poppy, and found that she's smoking this stuff? AMBROSE Well! If you must know, I don't even know if she is smoking it — but I know that she planted it in my room! Or else it just ended up in there. I wouldn't touch opium! But I just think you should know that's the type of woman you consort with. So maybe don't do it in my barn. …As if it's his. As if it's in any way his. But I think Ambrose is just trying to get Job to recognize him as asserting the dominance here. I think that's the goal. Whether he succeeds or not is up to y'all. JOB I'm trying to determine if Job thinks it's better to let Ambrose think he and Poppy were sleeping together, or to reassure him that they weren't sleeping together. If he reassures him that they weren't sleeping together, then it's like, what else they were doing?! I feel like that's worse, maybe. AMBROSE Although that's kind of funny. Then he's like, “What the hell were they doing?” CLYDE He was checking out the horses! That's what she said! CORNELIUS He was getting her help on the investigation! AMBROSE Right, right, right! JOB That's true. Okay. Yeah, I think Job chuckles and he's like: Young man. I imagine it must have been rough witnessing… you said your wife was with Clyde? AMBROSE Yes, that scoundrel! JOB Oh, he is a slimy bastard, yeah, I know. He’s— y’know, you and I have more in common than you think. He's also taken… one of mine. AMBROSE Oh, do we? Oh my God! Wait, who's he taken— wait. Who— who do— who do you know that interacts with Clyde? JOB …Well, I won't— you've come to me on official business, I won't air my personal grievances here. But rest assured, me and Poppy are not like that, in fact. I respect women, in fact. AMBROSE It's all right if you respect men as well! I know that you may have some of that in your— in your heart for certain men, as do I! And you know, it's a perfectly healthy and normal thing! Nothing wrong with that! I don't know what a specific line from the letter would be, but I feel like Ambrose would accidentally say it out of sheer stupidity. POPPY Oh, that's good. That's really good. AMBROSE But I don't know what the line would be. POPPY Just make up a metaphor that Job would use. What's a metaphor Job would use in a love letter? AMBROSE You go down smooth as whiskey, darling. JOB You're like a beautiful vase! AMBROSE It's all right! Sometimes a man is a beautiful vase who goes down smooth, and that's okay. That’s a beautiful thing. That’s a beautiful thing, Job! JOB (laughing) Sorry— now I'm realizing that Job can call Cornelius a beautiful oriental vase. POPPY No! AMBROSE Oh my… the beautiful vase to go with the lamp. We're making a household collection here! Okay, so— I brought up my line from the letter. How does Job take hearing that? JOB I think— I think he balks, and he probably has one of those flasks on his belt with alcohol, and he just takes a very long swig from it. He takes a long swig, and he leans forward and smiles and says: What? Did Cornelius show off those affections I shared with him to you? AMBROSE W-well— shared is not the right word! He had taken a little something of mine, and I was just going to get it back, and, um… I chanced upon it, and— I was really struck by the respect! It was so respectful, just admirable! You know, he kept it with his most private items, so you might consider that a compliment! JOB …Perhaps I will. Yeah, well, this kind of respect between men is far better than… is far more worthwhile than whatever I imagine Clyde has going on with— I guess he’s somehow ensnared Poppy, too. You know— you know that Clyde is a slimy bastard? You know the things he makes girls do? That I— that it was me who helped bust wide open? That man is a slimy disrespectful bastard. He doesn't understand— he doesn't know how— he doesn't know how to respect women, he doesn't know how to have bonds with men. AMBROSE Yeah, I think we really share a connection there. I think we share a connection there, Sheriff Fremont. So that's why I trust you to do the right thing with this pipe! You'll see justice, right? JOB Of course I will. You've done me a mighty fine service today. AMBROSE Yes, yes! It’s just our brotherly bond! JOB Thank you. I’ll keep an eye out, don’t worry. AMBROSE So wait… I kind of wanted to end with him boyfailing at coming off as a dominant force here, so is him coming off on good terms with Job a good outcome? I'm just trying to figure out how to end it… CLYDE I feel like we want a bad outcome, yeah? AMBROSE I want a bad outcome. JOB What would be a bad outcome? CLYDE Well, okay, it's a bad outcome in the sense that Job is not actually going to— I mean, what Ambrose was originally going for was ratting out Poppy to him. And I know that the scene has kind of shifted, but, like, Job isn't going to bust Poppy. So I feel like we could justify the bad ending, in that his original goal is not… JOB Yeah, I can actually say to Ambrose: Yeah, y’know, it sounds like… I guess Poppy might have, as you say, tried to plant this on you, but you know — inside, she's just a young woman. She's just turned around by that new man she's seeing. But don't worry, I'll get a handle on that. AMBROSE Yeah, she just needs an assertive man to tell her how to be. It'll all work out. JOB Yeah, yeah! AMBROSE Okay! Well, thank you, Sheriff Fremont! It’s nice to know not all men in this town are a total disappointment. JOB Thank you, Ambrose. AMBROSE I think he's actually quite salty that Clyde, like— because he doesn't know Clyde went back to the stables, he's quite salty that Clyde would somehow choose Poppy over him. That's not fair. JOB Yeah, and Job is also gonna be like— It’s nice to know that such a beautiful young man is on my side as well. Thank you. AMBROSE (giggles) So I think black die for Ambrose. He's doomed. ### Scene 4: Job — Collecting “evidence” (3:26:31 ~ 3:34:26) TABLE TALK 3:20:05 ~ 3:26:30 (We make plans for Job to try and frame Clyde by planting evidence on him, and decide this could happen at a big upcoming Fourth of July bash thrown by the hotel to try to recoup some income. To prepare, Job needs to get more “evidence” from Poppy.) CORNELIUS Well, Cornelius going to find Job would basically just be telling him, like— hurry up, Clyde might be on his ass, so if you're going to make a move, do so. So maybe he just does so via, like, carrier pigeon or something when he just can't— he can’t find Job at the bar, and then by the time he's going to the cop house, Job has already left to go talk to Poppy, so he's like, “Where the fuck is this man? I'll leave him a note.” JOB Yeah. So I think Job's next scene is his weekly Wednesday 9pm with Poppy, where— I mean, he's a drug addict, so he needs to— he needs his opium. So, he's there in the barn… or I guess maybe they moved because fucking Ambrose is onto them. AMBROSE He's camped out with his little opera glasses. JOB (laughs) Yeah, so… what would be another place that Poppy and the sheriff could be? POPPY Railroad tracks! AMBROSE Yeehaw! JOB Yes, we could be at the railroad tracks! We could be at, like, one of those abandoned waiting benches or ticket booths near the railroad tracks. He's already paid Poppy for his weekly dose of opium and is already on smoking it, and Poppy is probably just leaning against something, kind of watching him or about to leave, when Job goes: Poppy, dear — before you leave, I actually have a favor to ask of you. POPPY Yeah, sure thing! What is it, Sheriff Fremont? What can I do for ya? JOB It kind of seems like… I hate to break it to you, but— several different people are coming to me, and they're closing in on you and your family as a source of opium. They think either you or Ambrose or Cornelius or someone is dealing opium, and— y’know, I can't do nothing about it, but of course I don't want to get rid of my favorite dealer and her family! So I think I’ll— I have an idea for how to make this all go away, but I actually need a bit of help from you, Poppy, if you can be a dear and do that for me. POPPY Oh! Well… I mean— to be honest with you, Mr. Sheriff Fremont, I don't think I really need to be dealing opium anymore! Maybe I just— call it quits! JOB You could call it quits, um… I mean, it's not going to solve the problem that we're having right now. I mean, if you want to call it quits after, that's fine, but… I'm telling you that the dogs are already after you. They're sniffing the scent already, unfortunately. And what I need from— well, if you're calling it quits, then it actually works out perfectly, because what I want is all the equipment you've got. All the equipment you use for distributing and selling opium, that's what I would want. POPPY Oh, are you— you're going to pin it on someone. Someone else. I mean, that sounds kind of perfect, actually! JOB Yeah, I mean, they’re already kind of a slimy guy, so— y’know, I just need to get them for one more crime. I already got them for a different crime, so. POPPY Oh, I can think of a real slimy guy! I think— I think we're thinking about— yeah, yeah! And I'm thinking about my— father or Ambrose, I'm not really sure. AMBROSE Both, probably! JOB Yeah, I already busted him a couple times, so, y’know— we'll just throw this one on him and it'll all work out. We'll be clean! POPPY You know what? Yeah! I think— y’know, now that those— I guess, uh, I used to have a few other customers in town, and… y’know, they've kind of moved out after certain situations happened. Now that you’re looking to clean things up, I might as well clean things up as well, yeah! I think that sounds like a good plan! Pin it on some unsuspecting fool, toss him in jail, and I can wipe my hands clean out of all this! Yeah! JOB Yeah, sounds great. POPPY Yeah, I'll just kind of agree to it without— I think Poppy's really kind of stupid about some things. She's not going to ask who it is. She doesn't think it involves her, as long as it gets her out of the way. So yeah, she'll give you the rest of her extra opium. JOB Amazing. So now Job has all this drug trafficking paraphernalia! AMBROSE Oh my gosh. Job is winning. CLYDE So, does— does Job have an opinion on, like, losing his source of opium? If he's an addict? JOB Um— I guess he should, but like… his main goal is getting Cornelius back and getting Clyde out of the way, first and foremost. I guess he’s desperate… CLYDE I guess maybe he's thinking that if he can get Cornelius back, he won't need it anymore. Is that what he thinks? JOB (laughs) Exactly! Cornelius is his opium in human form. His beautiful oriental vase. AMBROSE Oh my… CORNELIUS …Everything is going to have to go wrong for everyone in Act 2. CLYDE (sigh) I know. Everything’s gonna go bad.